Zombieland: Double Tap is the sequel to the first Zombieland film released in 2009 with the four core cast members of Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin all returning. I’ll be very clear – I thought the trailers for this looked like dog shit and I borderline resent that this film even got made. One of the massive complaints we have about cinema is that we are stuffed with sequels, prequels and remakes. There is a distinct lack of original movies these days, and a sequel for Zombieland seemed like one of the last things we needed. Now, I’m sure you wondering – has my mind changed after seeing number two? Sorry to disappoint, but no not really. I’ve seen so many overwhelmingly positive reviews for this film and, fair enough, some people really had a good time. I didn’t.

The first half of this film was unbelievably terrible. I’m sorry, I just have to be honest with how I feel even if it may be against the general consensus. Its currently at 67% on rotten tomatoes, which is fairly decent but I’d say this is a bit generous.

You know when you’re hanging out in a group of friends (you might not, that’s fine) and you’re all having a good time. Then all of a sudden someone makes a joke, and it sucks. Yeah, it makes things awkward when no one laughs and then someone might ask that person to explain the joke as they didn’t get it. Then that make things even more awkward. Then they might explain it again, tell the same joke again and it’s still not funny. You might have one friend who laughs to make that person who made the person who told shit joke feel better. The mood is now a bit dead and it’s all the person who told the awful joke’s fault. Well that’s basically the entire first half of Zombieland: Double Tap summed up.

It isn’t funny at all. Much of the supposed humour is meant to come from Zoey Deutsch who plays a dumb blonde named Madison. And my God, I was in a cringe coma from everything they made the character say and do. It’s the lowest form of humour, making someone a fucking idiot and laughing at them because they’re a fucking idiot. But it was just such pathetic writing and I’m still outraged that they kept that ridiculous line they showed in the trailer – when Jesse Eisenberg almost shoots her head off with a shot gun and he just misses she grabs her fur parka and says “please forgive me it’s fake fur.” WHAT THE FUCK. That’s not funny.

Ok, I’ve gone for a walk to get some fresh air and have calmed down now. Oh yeah, did I mention she eats a trail mix at one point, and then only realises she has a nut allergy? YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS. Look – I may just have a stick up my ass and take life too seriously. But, this shit just isn’t my cup of tea. I loved seeing the zombies getting blown up and hacked down in over the top, gory fight scenes. But the writing in this made me hate myself (even more), and it was written by the Deadpool writers.

It’s interesting to see where the cast are since the first Zombieland film. Emma Stone is now Oscar winning actress Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin is hardly in any movies, Jesse Eisenberg still only plays awkward weirdos, and Woody Harrelson is still high as hell. I kind of respect them because they’re clearly a bunch of friends who wanted to make another one so they could make some good money and have a good time. I won’t hate on that, I wish that was me.

I did like some stuff though. The last fight scene was so ridiculous it was somewhat funny – I won’t lie. I also thought the post credits scene of Bill Murray promoting a third Garfield film was genius and cracked me up. But, that’s it. 

I had a double feature on my Monday off of this and Ad Astra. Now I feel like the cinema Gods have done me dirty. At least November and December have some interesting films coming out so I won’t have to watch or review more shit like this. Don’t see this in cinema, don’t even see it when it comes out on TV. Just don’t do it to yourself.