Cats Review
Wtf did I just watch?
Oh dear. Cats is a creepy, disturbing, traumatising movie experience that I hope to have permanently eradicated from my memory as soon as the technology for such purposes is available. Honestly, this film cannot be reviewed to a certain extent. It has no plot but perhaps most damming, it has no purpose.
Before, during and after watching Cats you are bound to have an entire catalogue of questions about this film. Some venturing into the more existential territory. But when the end credits began to roll I had three main ones:
- Who the fuck actually liked the original musical for Cats? The songs were pretty shit.
- Who in their right minds thought this would make for a big screen adaptation, let alone a good one? Not everything needs to be made into a film!
- Who and why was anyone involved in this?
The last one hits the hardest for me. Cats is directed by Tom Hooper who has done really good films like The King’s Speech (2010), which he won as Oscar for, and Les Miserables (2012). But was he being held hostage during this film process? Is he ok? Shall we call the police?
I’ll get to the other culprits in a moment, but Hooper, I’m afraid, is the ring leader in this crime. His direction of this film is that of someone who is either a crack addict or someone who is going through a personal crisis, or even both. How could any sane person sign off on those CGI effects? Yes, they are as horrifying in the movie as they appeared in the trailer.
But, when the creative teams were designing the cats why did they make them look so fucking stupid? The female cats are weirdly sexualised. But, they all have human hands and feet. On top of that, their feet don’t even touch the ground in some points! Genuinely, in some parts their feet are floating off the ground. The way the cats move as well is comparable to an exorcism with the way their bodies convulse and contort.
Just some of the decisions made in this film are so odd. There’s one scene where Rebel Wilson is singing about eating or something, I can’t remember. And there’s some mice with kids’ faces and then an army of cockroaches, again with human faces, dancing on cakes. No, I promise you I’m not high – that actually happened. Although, I did wonder at that point whether my drink had been spiked.
One of Hooper’s biggest feats is the fact that he’s won three of his actors Oscars in his three main films. For Colin Firth in The King’s Speech, Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables and Alicia Vikander in The Danish Girl. Let me tell you right now, no one will be winning any Oscars for Cats. Indeed, I can only fear for the future of many of these actors.
Look at the cast list, there’s some big names: Judi Dench, Ian McKellen and Idris Elba. As well as some shoe horned cameos: Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift and James Corden. Francesca Hayward plays the main cat, who’s name I can’t fucking remember. She probably won’t be in another film ever again. She’s not good, she’s not bad, she’s just there. The greatest compliment I can pay her is that she isn’t the worst.
No, that is really up for grabs between any of the rest of them. For the smaller name appearances I’ll say this – they were shocking. Derulo has a stupid cockney accent, Swift pops in for one song randomly, Corden is just fat. They’re pointless and stupid, you laugh at them not with them.
But, perhaps most concerning, is that we must all be worried for the future of Dench, McKellen and Elba. Idris, I’m sorry, you’re done. There’s no way you can play James Bond after this – I won’t allow it. I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you. McKellen I kind of respect for going full on balls to the wall weird with it. But Judi Dench (takes big breath) was probably the worst part of Cats. She really can’t sing and her cat wears a fur coat. Surely that’s a hate crime in the Cats world?
The biggest issue is that there’s only one redeeming quality in this entire film – Jennifer Hudson’s performance of Memory. She is bloody brilliant and has a belter of a voice. I went with my Mum and sister and they got a little emotional. But, there was, I kid you not, a person full on weeping at the back of our screening. I thought it was part of the film and I was impressed by the surround sound. But, then I realised J Hud has triggered a full on meltdown from this person. Good job!
But her great work is, ultimately, obliterated by the onslaught of utter nonsense that this film is comprised of. I mean I could go into all the small details and how incredibly idiotic they are but I don’t want to, I’m exhausted.
Everyone involved in this film, and I mean everyone, needs to reconsider their career plans and whether they actually want to continue to pursue work in film. Because frankly, I don’t think many of them should. You fear for the legends who were in this film. But, you gotta pour one out for those are relatively early in their career. If they have any shame they’ll go into hiding now for a while or they should just refund everyone who bought a ticket to this shite?